This morning I had my eyes dilated and it's just starting to come down now. Thankfully, nothing has gone wrong with them in the last year (ie, my retina detaching) but it would seem that my eyes have worsened significantly, and I can't even go back and have that checked until next year. You know how there's the chart with all the letters on it? IN theory I should be able to read the bottom level when wearing my glasses (not wearing them I can't even make out the big sideways E at the top) but today I only managed to read the third from the last row. Dammit, I don't want to be blind.

Tammy's big "welcome back to Elmvale" party was last night. I did not want to go for a variety of reasons, mostly involving my cold and lack of caring, but my mom talked me into it. She gave me this big speech about how so many people would be disappointed if I didn't go, that I was really liked and respected by everyone, and such.

so I went. And as I had predicted, everyone spent 95% of the evening talking about how much they drink and what drugs they do...which, generally speaking, isn't interesting. At all. I spent most of the evening standing in the middle of a group of people not actually talking to anyone and generally feeling sorry for myself. It was just like being in high school again...being barely able to pretend to myself that I still fit in, somewhere...and knowing now that I don't.

I'd like to think that I like myself; that I am an interesting, intelligent person who can be funny and that people do genuinely like. As much as I would like to think that, more and more I am reminded that I will never be that person. After all this time, it shouldn't matter to me that no one cared about me in high school, but it still does.

I think mostly I need a lot of sleep and maybe a cat.

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