I seem to be rather prolific as of late, although for no particular reason other than the general enjoyment of 'hearing' my own voice. I think I am entirely too fascinated with myself at times. Or, of course, I'm using this diary as a form of therapy, and in even if I'm not writing in particular about what ails me it still feels good in general to be writing. It's very soothing. As long as I can still put the pen to paper, I should be okay.
My dilemma of the moment (and you know there always will be a DOTM) is that Gravity Man has created his own diary here, and wishes to know if he can add me to his buddy list. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that. On one hand, I know that it shouldn't matter to me if he does, since we are broken up and there are very few things I can think of that I wrote about that he wouldn't already know of. He also understands that I have a right to my own thoughts and opinions and to express them even if they aren't always nice. But at the same time I worry that in reading this he'll find it that much harder to let go.
I'm having a harder time with the break up than I thought I would. I miss Steve. I miss Steve a lot. I miss how good our relationship used to be. Despite this, I have no real intentions of getting back together with him. I don't even have fake intentions of getting back together with him. He keeps thinking that there's something about him he can change that will make me happy and make me want him back. The reason this isn't working is because he was unwilling to (or didn't) make these efforts while we were actually together. Not that I wanted him to change who he was, I just wanted a change in the way our relationship worked. Have I said too much? Probably. I wish I was a better person.
Benjamin and I orchestrated a rather brilliant bit of play acting tonight. Having told him about my letter of termination (which has no fewer than four grammatical errors and casually addresses me as 'Rhiannon'), I made some silly off the cuff comment, and he told me to say it louder as the VP-Internal elect of NUSU who lives next door was sitting on her back porch. So we went outside obstensibly to barbecue hamburgers, but in reality proceeded to have an entire conversation about the issue, touching on key points like the unconstitutionality of it all, the crappy letter of termination and what would happen next year. VP-Internal has never met me, but knows Benjamin from his tenure as VP-Internal last year. The piece de resistance came when the current VP-StudentLife wandered by and talked to them for a bit, before yelling "Hey Rhiannon" at the top of his lungs, clearly establishing who I was for everyone. I could've kissed him--it was brilliant. Because as every good politician (and I will be one in four short months) knows, you keep your friends close and your enemies closer. So you have to know who they are.
Things are progressing swimmingly at this point. We may not be able to make the great beast fall, but we sure are going to make him lame and the road a lot rockier for the next year. Especially if Benjamin, Mathman and myself are all on council. It will be good.
But it is bed time, and I do have an interview tomorrow, so good night to you all.
