Tonight I went out with Jo and a couple of the kids from section six (?) to Twiggs for cheesecake. (they even had key lime.) What I'm about to say kind of sucks, so I feel I should add a few token clarifiers to preface it lest you think there's something seriously wrong with me.

First, I am in love with Mike. I have no intention (at this point) of breaking up with him. Also, Jo, please don't get creeped out about everything I'm going to anonymously write about your friend. Everything that comes after this point is just whistling in the dark, so to speak, just trying to imagine the what-ifs of a life I will likely never get to live.

I met a boy tonight. A really, really nice boy. A really nice boy with a nice voice and a good sense of humour and a master's degree in English...to say nothing of easy on the eyes. Looking back on the evening, I feel really stupid, because I think our nerdy English conversation was kind of exclusive of the other people there, and I feel bad about that because they were all really nice. Especially Jo. Not only did she pick me up and take me to get cheesecake and introduce me to cool people, but then she drove me all over North Bay to look at Christmas lights and gawk at the upper class neighbourhoods up on the hill. Man. I want to live there. Oh, and then, she made me a Christmas CD and it's fantastic.

But, the boy. The boy likes Margaret Atwood. And Timothy Findley. And the idea of the Canadian Gothic. And specialized in the modern/postmodern periods in grad school. We totally nerded it up, talking about books and such, and I just...he likes Virginia Woolf! A boy! Who likes! Virginia Woolf! Who can blame me for being the tiniest bit smitten?

Especially since he seemed interested to know what I was studying and what I was interested in in terms of theory and periods and authors and genres. It just seems like it's been a long time since anyone aside from Kori has been really interested in what I want to study and what I think about books and literature and social theory and all of the really cool stuff we study at school. It's been an especially long time (an especially long time I like to call "never") since a BOY has been interested in that.

And I think that's maybe what this is all about, it's not so much that I like this boy (though he does have many intriguing qualities) but I like what this boy represents: interest in the same things that I'm interested in, an ability to participate in academic discourse, basically, someone who shares similar interests.

I feel horribly disloyal to Mike for even thinking about this. Mike and I have a lot in common...but at the same time, we don't. He has no concept of what I do in school (or why I do it) or why or how I think, or why history is so important to me...and I don't know if he ever will.

I'm scared because I thought this guy was really neat and that's something I really haven't felt or thought about since I met Mike. the fact that this is basically his biggest fear concerning our relationship isn't making me feel any better.

To sum this up: I suck.

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